Gentle Parenting…Adults
By Raegan Parker, MSW Intern
We all know the term “gentle parenting.” To put it simply, it’s a popular technique for parents to acknowledge and validate the child’s feelings while also getting their point across. This technique is used by parents to teach the child in a manner that helps them feel safe, heard, and understood. Don’t get confused, though. This doesn’t mean that parents are letting children run the home or not ensuring that the children are disciplined and respectful. While this technique is typically meant for children, it can also be applied to the adults in your life.
However, we must fully understand what gentle parenting is before we can use it.
What is “Gentle Parenting?”
The goal of the technique is to raise a confident, aware, and happy child by using empathy, respect, boundaries, and understanding. This parenting style goes against the tradition of rewarding a child when they do something good and punishing when they do something they should not. Instead, the parent’s goal is to improve the child’s awareness and help them understand themselves.
Example:
You’re playing with your child and tell them that it’s time to leave. They don’t want to stop playing and become upset, so you attempt to comfort them. Suddenly, they hit you. The traditional parenting style would be to punish them with a spanking, time out, or yelling. By doing this, you are focused solely on your child’s actions and the way it’s making you feel. Your child may stop because they know you’re upset with them. However, it doesn’t instill any change, so this behavior is likely to happen again.
Let’s use the same example using the gentle approach. Beforehand, you would approach your child with a calm but firm demeanor. You would get on the child’s eye-level and calmly say, “I see that you’re feeling upset and don’t want to stop playing, but we do not use hands on other people.” You could also potentially provide a solution and state your expectations for next time. By addressing your child this way, you show empathy and respect for how your child is feeling. This gives them the chance to process their behavior and be accountable. This also gives your child the opportunity to recognize how you deal with conflict.
“Gentle Parenting” Adults
As we get older, the expectations for our relationships grow. This is normal, but sometimes we don’t remember that we’re all doing this for the first time. There are the basic expectations like respect and safety. However, we all grew up in different situations with different communication styles. Some of us grew up in an understanding environment where it felt safe to share and process emotions without judgment. Others grew up not having the space to understand themselves and what they were feeling. We can also see this in generational and cultural differences. Many parents from past generations seem to believe the “tough love” approach is the way to go. Being raised differently can show up later in adulthood.
It can be frustrating to have to teach another adult how to communicate or articulate their emotions. That’s also a part of building relationships and growing as an individual. We can’t expect others to know our preferred way of communication. We can use “gentle parenting” strategies when struggling in a relationship. We do this by remembering that we are all living for the first time and are all children who just happen to be a certain age. You can apply this parenting style to any individual in your life who may need help communicating effectively.
Effective Communication Techniques
1. Nonviolent Communication: A communication tool for expressing needs and resolving conflict peacefully. Nonviolent Communication can be applied anywhere. It can be utilized in personal relationships, workplace communication, and in communities.
Four Components:
Observation: Encourage each party to describe the observable facts without interpretation/judgment. This helps focus on the specific behavior or situation instead of our interpretation of it.
Feeling: Encourage the expression of emotions involved in the observed situation. Naming and acknowledging emotions are important for understanding one’s own needs and those of others.
Need: Help each party identify the underlying needs or values that are connected to that feeling. This fosters understanding and empathy for the feelings each party is experiencing.
Request: Encourage clear and detailed requests that are actionable and concrete. Requesting is framed positively, where we seek to meet the needs of the other. This is not making demands.
Empathy and Active Listening:
Empathetic listening involves wanting to understand the feelings and needs of others without judgment.
Active listening involves giving your full attention, paraphrasing, and reflecting what you are hearing to ensure shared understanding.
Expressing Yourself:
Each party is encouraged to express themselves honestly, using “I” statements to take responsibility for their feelings and needs. An example would be, “I feel dismissed, and I need to feel heard and understood to feel safe.”
Expressing needs and making requests are done in a way that is constructive and creates cooperation.
Avoiding Blame and Judgment:
Try to not use language that implies blame, criticism, or judgments.
Promote a focus on the specific behavior/situation, the impact, and the unmet needs that are causing this behavior.
Conflict Resolution:
This approach is intended to assist in conflict resolution by helping individuals express themselves while being met with empathy and without judgment.
The goal is to find solutions that meet the needs of all parties involved to create mutual understanding and collaboration.
The great thing about Nonviolent Communication is that it can be applied anywhere. It can be utilized in personal relationships, workplace communication, and in communities.
2. Setting Boundaries:
Self-Awareness
Individuals must understand their own needs, preferences, and comfort levels in various situations.
Reflecting on personal values and priorities can help identify what is important for maintaining well-being and boundaries.
Clear Communication
Communicate boundaries clearly and assertively. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming others.
Stating expectations clearly helps others understand how to interact respectfully.
Identifying Limits
Identify specific areas where boundaries are needed. This can include your physical space, time commitments, emotional discussions, and/or personal privacy.
Knowing one’s limits helps in setting realistic expectations for yourself and others.
Consistency
This is the key to maintaining boundaries. Establishing consistent behavior helps others understand what to expect and reinforces the importance of the boundaries you are setting.
Flexibility
It’s important to have boundaries, but it’s also important to be open to occasional flexibility. This allows for adjustments in response to changing circumstances.
Self-Care
Setting boundaries is a form of self-care. It’s about prioritizing one’s well-being and ensuring that relationships contribute positively to your growth and happiness.
3. Respecting Autonomy
Acknowledging Individual Choices: Recognize that every individual has the choice to set boundaries, and every individual has the choice to respect them.
4. Collaborative Decision Making:
Collaborative decision-making in relationships is an approach where individuals work together to reach mutually agreeable solutions or choices. It involves open communication, active listening, and a shared commitment to finding outcomes that consider the needs and preferences of all parties involved. For this to be successful, there are requirements that must be followed by both parties.
1. Open Communication
Open and honest communication is required. Both parties should express their thoughts, feelings, and perspectives without judgment.
Sharing this information can help create understanding of the situation and sets you up to problem-solve.
2. Active Listening
Everyone should attempt to understand the other’s perspective, feelings, and needs.
Reflective listening, paraphrasing, and asking for clarification are all ways that we can enhance understanding.
3. Empathy and Understanding
Acknowledge and respect the feelings and viewpoints of each party.
Empathy allows us to understand the underlying issues and motivations, which creates a safe atmosphere of support and consideration.
4. Shared Responsibility
Both parties share the responsibility for the outcome. One person cannot overpower the other but should find a solution that suits everyone.
This creates a sense of partnership and equality within the relationship.
5. Brainstorm & Create Options
Come together to create possible solutions. This allows each party to contribute and build that sense of partnership.
6. Consensus
It’s important that neither party is overpowering the other. Because of this, all parties involved should be satisfied and reach a consensus.
Consensus doesn’t mean that you’re going to fully agree on every detail, but it shows a willingness to support, compromise, and work with each other.
7. Flexibility
Participants in the decision-making recognize the need for flexibility and may need to compromise to find common ground.
Flexibility means that participants are willing to work together, even if they don’t fully agree on every detail. This does not mean allowing disrespectful or unsafe communication or actions.
8. Relationship Building:
Resolving immediate issues is nice, but it’s not the main goal here. Collaborative decision-making contributes to building a sense of trust, cooperation, and respect. This is a great foundation for creating a healthier relationship.
It can be difficult to come together in times of conflict to attempt to resolve an issue. Collaborative decision-making asks each party to value each other’s input and feelings, to work together to find a solution, and create a sense of partnership. While this approach can be uncomfortable in the moment, it can lead to a stronger and more fulfilling relationship by encouraging shared responsibility and mutual understanding.
Examples:
You and your partner are having a disagreement. Tensions are rising and you’re both getting frustrated, and your partner suddenly yells at you. You could walk away or maybe even give the silent treatment. You could just leave all together, but what would that solve? Instead, you say, “it looks like you’re feeling upset and unheard. I understand that. I want to understand your perspective, but I will not engage if there is yelling. We can communicate and make our points without yelling.”
In this scenario, you acknowledge your partner's emotions and are also giving them space to process what has happened. While acting empathetically, you’ve also set a clear boundary in your relationship. It gives them the opportunity to pause and communicate productively while also holding them accountable.
You and your mother are having a heated discussion about your childhood. You’re expressing that there were times when you weren’t happy. She states, “well I’m sorry I’m such a horrible mother and could never do anything right for you.” You calmly respond, “I did not and am not saying you were a bad mother. I understand it must be uncomfortable to hear these things. However, I’m asking that when I’m being vulnerable, you listen and not become defensive. Otherwise, this isn’t productive, and we don’t understand each other. Would you like for us to try again?”
It can be difficult to communicate healthily when tensions are high. In this example, we see the mother become defensive and dismisses her child. The child takes the lead and essentially says, “hey, I know this is hard, but I’d like for us to get on the same page and have a good relationship.” The child showed understanding, that they value the relationship, and empathy.
We can’t change the way a person was raised and/or how they communicate. That’s something we just must accept, even when it’s inconvenient. Try to remember that the way a person communicates is indicative of what they had to do to ensure their needs were met. That perspective reminds us that the person isn’t just trying to be difficult; it’s just the only way they know.
“Gentle Parenting” Yourself
I’m guessing that you’ve also had moments when you felt like you could have handled a situation better, or a moment when you lashed out due to being triggered or feeling unheard. We seem to set high expectations for ourselves, then view ourselves negatively when we don’t meet that expectation. It can be difficult to reprogram yourself from what you’ve done your whole life. Maybe you are the partner that yells or the parent that needs validation. That’s okay, we all have things we could improve on. If you are that person, give yourself grace and try to understand where that comes from. Was yelling the only way to get your needs met as a child? Did your mom also call herself the worst mother when issues were raised?
When you have a moment to reflect, think of your childhood self. What do they look like? Are they happy? Do they feel emotionally safe? If you were gentle parenting your own child, you would be empathetic and tell them that it’s okay if they made a mistake. You would give them the space to process those feelings and validate them, right? So Why is it so hard to do that for yourself? A good technique would be imagining your child-self inside you and thinking “what would I say to them?” If it’s difficult to imagine, find an old photo of yourself and put it on the mirror or somewhere you can see it. Talk to that photo in a positive manner and acknowledge and accept your emotions like they should have been when you were younger.
Conclusion:
Adopting gentle parenting principles in adult relationships can lead to profound positive impacts. By embracing empathy, effective communication, and respect for autonomy, individuals can create environments that nurture meaningful connections. Gentle parenting transcends age, proving to be a valuable approach in fostering collaboration and understanding in our interactions with others. It can be tiresome to have to teach others how to communicate with you effectively and respectfully. These techniques are effective, but it’s also important to remember we are all living for the first time and have come from different experiences and different relationship dynamics. Remember, it can also be used towards yourself. It can be easy to have higher expectations for yourself than others. However, that puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself and doesn’t leave room for giving yourself grace. Your relationships with others are just as important, but your relationship with yourself is just as, if not more important.